Fear and anxiety arise when I spend too much time thinking about the past or the future. It can be hard at times to comprehend this emotion and where it is coming from as it can seem to appear out of nowhere or seemingly get trigger from the smallest mundane thing.
People often ask “why are you anxious ” and often at times I’d try to give them an answer. “Oh I’m nervous about the weekend” … I’d say something or other just so the other person felt comfortable when inside I often really struggled to find the reason why my body chose to tense up and stop breathing from time to time. Not only was it as if the walls were closing in on me but it was like my own body and mind were against me, doing things out of my control to hurt me.
I went from having severe panic attacks which slowly over time dulled to anxiety attacks. To being able to recognise anxiety when it appears and adjust my behaviour and take action immediately to stop it from taking hold of me.
Anxiety and Panic attacks can be extremely hard to deal with, not knowing when one is going to occur it’s like I was walking around like a ticking time bomb about to explode with the amount of tension and pressure that felt like it was building up inside me. The racing thoughts, the closing in of the chest, tightening if the throat and the gradual losing of my breath until I lost consciousness. It wasn’t the way I expected to life my life in my 20’s. Not knowing if or when one was going to happen when I’d attend a party, BBQ or social occasion.
Often I’d have to leave wherever I was when the panic attack hit and I’d have to go lie down somewhere comfortable (if I could) as my brain would start to torment me. Sometimes I found it physically impossible to speak as the connection between my brain and my mouth didn’t seem to align at the time. The loudness of the room would amplify, my friends voices and the background noise would buzz together like a huge, annoying cyclone swirling through my mind.
The colours and people’s actions were so bright and intense the first time I experienced a panic attack I was at a local RSL and I was sitting outside with my friends it was winter, I remember everything getting so loud and intense that I ran from the pub gradually ripping off my clothing accessories, earrings, belt and shoes as I made my way to the car gasping for breathe. My cousin was not far behind me asking if I was ok. Bless her heart and my other friend was more worried about the men upstairs she’d just met.
I sat in the front passanger seat of the car holding my throat as the chaos that I was experiencing was unfolding before me. My cousin was worried as she knew I didn’t have the best mental health history. We drove back to our house we were living in at the time and I ended up laying in my bed for hours in pain and mental torture not sure what to do with myself I eventually lost consciousness.
13 years later and I’m starting to understand those ” demons” and where they come from.