A common theme in my life is people telling me to have patience. In a full-speed, whirl-wind reality that had become the norm to me how on earth would I learn to slow down and “stop and smell the roses”. I was an excitable and passionate young lady heading full speed in the wrong direction.
I’m not sure if it was mis-guidence or something else that lead me astray. Looming on the horizon for what felt like an eternity the same days were playing over and over so mundane so boring but so fucked up at the same time, I often wasn’t sure what was reality and what was someone else’s perceived image of me. I got lost in what I thought everyone else wanted me to be and found myself scrounging to put the pieces of my sanity back into place.
I could no longer avoid or hide from the tyranny around me as it was starting to no longer play out just within my mind but present itself in my 3D waking life.
Looking for answers I began to study the meaning of quantum aspects of reality and what it meant to exist in the “now” moment in time and space and what that means for where we are as a species in relative history. Learning about the art of living in the ‘”now” I began to regain touch with the softer more gentle part of my emotions as I stopped coming from a place of complex rage and bitterness that had built up inside me myself and gained knowledge and abilities in meditation and self-regulation.
Looking back I realised I was often living purely of instinct. Like a loaded gun I was walking around about to explode or implode on anyone around me.
Begin rejected, misunderstood, ridiculed, mocked and isolated I was wondering if the dejavu nightmare would ever end. The constant reminder of my failures, the tortment, the torture, the pain, the suffering I couldn’t get out of my head. I often felt like I could no longer go on. But I chose to “never give up” instead!
I started to begin to acknowledge the signs and synchronisities that had begun to show themselves to me. I’d experienced the difference between living amongst the living and the dead, the mysterious, the unwell and the one’s they say are “fucked in the head”.
At every crisis and crossroads there’s a critical point where we choose the direction of our existence. Do I want to live in a constant place of living hell within my own reality in a place where I’m questioning my own sanity? Or do I want to take a leap of faith in myself and learn to accept peace in the space where all I felt was fear and judgement.
Criticism would often follow me around, but no one critised me more than I criticised myself. I’d sit continually bouncing back and forth between heaven and hell. My conscious and subconscious understanding of reality stood before me juxtaposed in the lime light twisted back and forth between cross dimensional reality.
“Was this really happening” no longer became my primary focus but wanting to make the world a better place for other people like me is what began to drive me. Knowing that small steps in the right direction can make a difference I began to realise the life I could effect the most positive change in is my own by taking daily steps in the right direction and listening to my heart and soul. By not waiting until it’s screaming out to me to be heard but by every gentle nudge and inner thud it’s been telling me to pay by listening first and waiting for direction from my higher / wiser self or taking the time for my brain to catch up with itself.
Sometimes it felt like my brain and body were on turbo speed. Like I wasn’t allowed to relax or enjoy life.
I always felt like I had to be doing something or pleasing someone in order to get by. I often felt like I was the scapegoat for everything.
It’s like I could see my destiny play out before me if I stayed were I was And it didn’t look pretty. Therefore there was no space for the repeating patterns to continue to my future. I was like I was in a rush to get nowhere fast that I constantly felt bored in a world full off choices, options and entertainment at my fingertips.
Something came over me one day when I was doing something very mundane. Walking back to the house from the washing line a voice came over me and said “you think love is weak”. I felt a feeling of awareness and knowing wash over me as I completely understand what it meant. One of the most powerful forces in the universe and I wasn’t allowing myself to feel the vibration of love in my body, heart or soul. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of feeling good things so I taught myself to block out love and anything that felt like it. When I finally began to understand what was unfolding before me and what had played out behind me I realised that I could sit patiently in the middle of time. In the “now” moment and take the wheel and steer my life in the direction of what I desire my life to look like.