A dynamic shift occurred within me which allowed me the space to recreate myself and gain a new perspective on things. For over 7 years I felt like I was clinging to narrow threads of joy. Hoping one day everything would slow down and make sense. Flicking back and forth between the angel and demon that existed inside me. I felt like I was fighting for the dominion over my soul.
Suffering with major depression on and off since I was a teenager.
Somehow I survived with a unstable emotional foundation. Living with deep emotional pain and seeing not much but turmoil around me. Pushing myself beyond my limits, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually I felt as if my internal beliefs aligned with my external vision that I wasn’t worthy of a good life. I felt like shame, suffering, pain and torment where new normals in my life. Not being able to see the forest through the trees arguments and disagreements began to appear in my life when I slowly began to lose the reigns of my conscious ability to hold space for myself and others without getting emotionally attached to situations, people and circumstances or outcomes. Feeling a need to control all aspects ts of my life in order to not feel anymore pain. Which was indeed causing me a lot more pain and suffering.
Surrender! A good friend of mine would often say to me. Feeling like I was in-touch with the astral realms but out of touch with other humans concept of the spirit realms I chose often to remain silent opposed to expressing what I was truly experiencing in the presence of others. Now when I look back on the mental images and visions I have if the past that used to torment me and often stop me dead in my tracks with the heaviness of their emotions. I no longer look at those times with a tainted third eye. I was so worried about trying to save everybody else’s life that I lost sight of my own. My friends and family always commented on my strength but all I felt was weakness within my entire existence.
I’ve learned the hard way the importance of preserving my energy and listening to my heart, soul and body. I learned that sometimes our minds can become confused with our sense of perception based on our emotional processing abilities. All I knew at this stage was that if my worst nightmares could make their way into my reality. Then there was also the possibility of my greatest dreams coming true too. Based on the fundamental universal law of duality. ( as above so below, as within so without) the idea that the equal and opposite to all realities is possible in the philosophical view of duality.
Learning to regulate my own energy frequency and what I attach to in the physical and astral realms. Learning that not everything and everyone are always as they seem. Sometimes the road to salvation is paved with darkness. Sometimes we need to face our biggest fears even if that is ourselves and embrace the void within. Contrary to popular belief. I do not agree with the statement “we are all one”. I do believe we have the inate ability to effect change on a global scale through conscious awareness. I do believe that as a collective we can change. I believe from what I’ve witnessed and experienced is that when fighting duality there is no peace. Peace only exists when we go beyond duality and see the rainbow that human existence really is. It’s not all black and white or grey for that matter. There are many colour frequencies we have the ability to connect with in all realms of conscious existence.